10 Years!!! That's a BIG deal!

10 years ago Gonzo and I said our vows and became husband and wife.  I really feel like I can remember every single thing from that day.  It was such a good day!  So exciting and I was so happy to finally be with Gonzo.  We were apart for our almost 1 year engagement.  In that time we saw each other 3 times.  So all I wanted to do on the day of our wedding was look at him, and talk to him, and catch up on life, and kiss, and hug, and talk some more.  It was so good to just look at his face.  I know you are all thinking, yeah right Jocelyn, you wanted to do more than that!!!  I really just couldn't get enough of holding hands and looking at his face and hearing his voice.  I'm serious!!! I can't vouch for Gonzo though!!!

So fast forward to now...it's still the same.  I can't get enough of our time when we don't have anything going on around us but what he is telling me and what I am telling him.  Sometimes I daydream about moments when everything stops and we get a moment of just us. 

With 4 little girls in this house who also just want to tell Daddy all about their day, and give the first hug, or get the first kiss, sometimes I feel like I need to push and shove my way through the loudness and get my turn.  Poor guy has to give lots of attention to a bunch of needy ladies!!!

My very favorite times with Gonzo are during football season on Friday nights after a game.  He gets home about 11:30, the girls are in bed, and we talk.  About the game, about the week, about the girls.  He is always a little wound up from the game and we usually talk for a few hours until I don't answer him anymore because I've finally lost the battle with the back of my eyes.  It takes me back to our first year of marriage and staying up late talking and watching football highlights.  Even though the morning comes much earlier now with my 4 alarm clocks than it did back then I still look so forward to Friday nights.

I'm centimental and have a good memory and wanted to think back to some of the major things that happened in each year of our marriage so far. So here it goes!  

Year 1:
We lived in a tiny apartment across from Brookshires Grocery Store in Kaufman, TX.  I taught second grade and Gonzo coached football and taught 8th grade English. Gonzo didn't have a vehicle for most of that year so he rode my bike to the field house every day.  My bike!!!  Not a mans bike.  He rode my red bike I got for maybe my 14th birthday!  I mean really!  Should I just stop here?!?! This guy...not many would have done that!  We only lived there about 9 months and then moved to Arlington for another coaching job.  On our first anniversary we were unloading boxes from the move.  I have a picture of us holding the district championship trophy and I can't find it. One day I'll put it here!  


Year 2:
I was teaching second grade at an elementary school right around the corner from our house.  Gonzo was coaching and teaching at Martin. 

We were starting to really daydream about having a baby and I had been off of birth control for several months.  We bought our first house in Arlington and moved again just 11 months after the last move.

Year 3:
We made our new house a home and were daydreaming even more about little feet running down our halls.  We started to check into the next steps of trying to make a baby after 12 months of nothing.   The outcome of those tests proved that nothing was wrong with either one of us and so we kept doing what we had been doing.  I was still teaching second grade and he was still at Martin. 

 Year 4:
The Lord did some big stuff in us this year and long story short after almost 3 years of trying and waiting and trying and waiting we were pregnant.  There was one night during this year that we will never forget when my folks, Lee and Andrea, and Gonzo and I sat around our living room and cried and prayed and cried and prayed.  Looking back this was a time when The Lord came through BIG for us and we should have turned 180 degrees and we only turned about 90.  We were so grateful for finally being pregnant and knew it was only by God's grace that it happened. He was slowly softening our hearts and wooing us in. 

Year 5:
We had Adda B and she brought us so much joy.  He was still coaching at Martin and I was still teaching.  I took about 13 weeks off after I had Adda and then finished out the school year with her in childcare.  After that I started staying home and kept a few kids for a little extra money. 

Year 6:
I was still watching kids from home so that I could be with Adda.  Gonzo was still coaching at Martin.  Adda was active and our only kiddo and we thought she was the smartest and best little girl there was.  We started to talk about having #2 and thought that since it took so long with Adda we might start trying a little before Adda turned 2.  Boom!  I was pregnant with Ella just like that. I was pregnant in this picture. 

Year 7:
We had another baby!  I was still keeping kids from home and Gonzo was still coaching at Martin.  Things were a tiny bit more hectic and loud and The Lord was showing more and more that I was not in control.  I was realizing slowly but surely that this all together pretty little day to day I had going on was just a covering for what He really wanted to do in my heart.  This actuall picture marks the beginning of something big God was going to do in our life in the next year.  I didn't know it then, but I was pregnant!

Year 8:
Oh Boy!  I can't quickly describe year 8.  This is the year that WE WILL NEVER FORGET!  When everything we knew and loved changed, God was the only constant in our life.  He took a moment in that year and made such greatness come from it.  Some many memories, and friends, and experiences happend in those 8 years and it was all worth it to get to the place the Lord had us.  Year 8 I found out I was pregnant, then I found out I was pregnant with twins, then I found out I was pregnant with twin girls.  These two babies would come to be a symbol of God moving us from a life where we lived a safe Christian life to a time when we relied ONLY on what He was going to do next.

Year 8 was long, and hard, and hard, and hard, and tiresome, but oh my goodness was it so worth every single tear that was shed.  My family might shutter when I say this, but I would go back and do it all again if He asked me to.  Experiencing the unending love that only He can give was so so good!

 In this year Gonzo had a new job as a defensive coordinator at a school in Ft. Worth and I was staying home with our 4 babies. 

Year 9:

Gonzo was still working at Dunbar.  I was still at home with the kids.  Adda was going to preschool 2 days a week and our house was a zoo.  This was another hard, hard, hard year with lots of tears and lots of stretching. Pretty much daily Gonzo and I were reaching out to our home group for prayers and seeing how The Lord changes lives through a Godly community.  At a time when He knew we would need help He provided just what we needed and almost always it was down to the wire.  God likes to stretch us like that. 

Year 10:
Here we are!  So describe what The Lord has done in our lives from year 8 to now is impossible.  I pray that people can see what He has done in us.  I hope that from the outside there is a difference.  We are forever changed all because of year 8.  I cry when I think about how grateful I am for that turning point The Lord allowed.  He get's ALL the glory for everything single thing he has done in our lives.  He has done great things!  All I can do is cry out and praise Him for the GOOD, the BAD, and the UGLY!  Gonzo is still the DC at Ft. Worth Dunbar.  I'm still home with the kiddos.  Adda just finished kindergarten.  Ella went to preschool 2 days a week this year and loved every single second of it.  The twins are almost 2 now and run me into the ground about 30 times a day.  I struggle to keep my head above water almost everyday but we manage.  I struggle with loosing my cool, I have zero patience, my kids pray for my yelling, and a cry often.  The best part is I don't have to carry any of those burdens.  I just give them right on over to my Abba Father and He changes things for my good.  Gonzo and I have learned to love differently now, we have learned to talk differently now, we have learned to pray differently now.  These 10 years have been GOOD!  I'm looking forward to the next "year 8" He brings our way.  We pray often for what He has next for us and wherever He leads us.  He is so good, and so faithful.

It's late!  I'm tired and I need to go to bed!  But listen, if you get nothing at all from this blog hear this!

He is Good

He is Able

He is Love

He is Faithful

He is All Knowing

He is Mighty

He is Forgiving

He is Restoring

He is The Provider

He is Beautiful

He is Safe

He is GOD

If He hasn't left me in my 33 years of life He won't leave you!  When things turn south the only place you can run is right into His arms. In all things and through all things He gets the glory. 10 years ago He knit together two people who He knew would struggle and go through hard times and He never gave up!  

Thank You My Jesus!  May you guide our every step and guard our hearts and bring us closer to you always!  Love you all and hope you are encouraged by these words! 

Oh, I'm not going back to proofread this! Sorry if you see mistakes!  Going to bed now!  

Paused...Until He Takes Us Home!

I'm not the die hard potty training mom who tosses out all diapers and goes cold turkey with nothing but undies.  I keep them in their diaper for nap and bedtime until they start to wake up dry.  With Adda and Ella dry nap time happened pretty quick.  With bedtime it took Adda a good 5 or 6 months to wake up dry and with Ella it only took a few weeks.  So, when I potty train I go in as quick as I can to get them out of the diaper before they wet it, especially in the beginning so they have more success. This is what has worked for me.

Let's start with day 1.  My mom is here visiting and she very graciously agreed to help me do this.  She, by the way is the BEST mom there is because she did her potty training a long time ago with Lee and I.  Very quickly into day 1 I realized that there was no way I could have done it without help.  Potty training two at once is SOOOOO much different than one.  They don't drink at the same time.  They don't pee at the same time.  They don't poo at that same time.  So, you are running back and forth from one bathroom to the other asking one kid the same question 90,000 times a day and trying to remember who just went teetee and who didn't do anything.  All while I have the other two varmints needing me every so often.  Hold cow it's crazy!  By the end of this day we only had 4 accidents total, one dry nap time diaper, and they both went #2 on the potty.  I was amazed actually because day 1 with Adda and Ella was like 9 accidents to1 success.  So for two at one time to do so well seemed like this would be no big deal at all.  By the end of day 1 both of the twins started getting a fever and Chloe had weird hives.  I didn't think much about it because it was a low fever and decided I would just watch them.  So day 1 seemed to be good and my mom and I ended that day with margaritas on the couch after everyone went to bed!

Day 2 went pretty good too in terms of accidents.  Chloe had a little dribble accident first thing in the morning and that was it all day long for both of them.  The only thing that got me worried was that they, especially Claire, only went teetee about 3 times and they were dry for hours at a time.  They both still had this lingering fever and you could tell could feel it.  I was a little nervous that they weren't drinking enough with this fever.  Because it was such a low grade fever I thought for sure they would wake up fever free and ready to go for day 3.  Again, my mom and I ended the day with margaritas on the coach after everyone went to bed...and we watched the Bachelorette and Real Housewives of Orange County.  Smut TV and an adult beverage seemed to be just what we needed to head into day 3.  Haha!  You would have ended that day the same way...trust me! 

Today was day 3 and it started out rough when I rushed in to get them up as soon as I heard the first peep only to smell poop.  Claire had been working on a good one the day before with no success before bed and I knew she would need to right away in the morning.  I got them out of their diapers and gave them their milk and we sat for our first potty break of the day.  Nobody had a drip.  About 10 minutes later Claire gave us a weird look as was standing in a puddle.  At this point all positive thoughts I was having flew out the window.  I'm pretty good at letting the devil blow out my flame within 30 minutes of the day starting.  I started to feel sad, disappointed, discouraged, and felt like a cloud of yuck was hanging over me.  Like I said before, often the enemy slaps me around early in the day.  That's when everyone is needy and wants milk, and breakfast, and blankets, and dressed, and hair done, and toys out, and Nick Jr. turned on, and so on, and so on, and so on!!!  Usually the first person to ask a question in an ungrateful way gets the crazy eye with a touch of screaming!  I'm sorry!  I'm working on all this!  It's a daily hand over to The Lord.

As I felt myself going to this gross place this morning I knew I needed some good ole prayers.  Luckily I have an amazing group of people that I text and tell my ugliness and they beg The Lord on my behalf.  After several responses of encouraging words and prayers I felt encouraged and ready to get back on the potty bandwagon.  Two ladies, that very much love The Lord, and hear from The Lord, and love me dearly responded with encouraging words to not kill myself and pause this potty training if need be.  I honestly was a little defensive at first because by golly we were gonna get this potty training down come hell or high water.  I mean I posted it to freaking facebook...you can't turn back from that!  Everyone knows your business...stupid social media! 😉

The morning moved on and the twins both were accident free all the way through lunch.  They both went potty right before naps and Claire woke up with a dry diaper.  We drank a smoothie and took a walk outside and came in to potty and Chloe had a #2 success on the potty but neither one went teetee  Right after the potty break Claire had an accident.  Both of them had no fever but were now coughing like crazy.  With all the coughing and Claire's accident I started to head right back down that dark road with my stupid thoughts.  Adda was also couching up a small lung and all I could think about was having to stop potty training.  Their fever came back, and I started to really feel like The Lord was pushing me to remember the words I heard from my two friends earlier in the day about stopping if I needed to.  Was this worth everyone loosing their JOY?  Was it worth the twins having to continue feeling a little like crap and go through this at the same time?  Oh, and I didn't mention that Thursday is our anniversary and my mom was planning on watching the girls so we could go to dinner.  There was no way I could leave her by herself if things weren't looking up around here.

We decided to all load up and pick dinner up at Taco Bueno.  The babies stayed dry the whole way there and back and we went straight to the potty when we got home.  Neither one went teetee so we put them in their seats and all started to eat.  I was sitting in my chair running things through my head when Claire let me know that she went teetee in her chair.  So did Chloe!

When The Lord is checking my prideful heart I usually break down and cry and get really real and all the thoughts I think start rolling out of my mouth.  This time was no different.  I started to cry and told my mom that I was afraid to stop for lots of reasons.  I was afraid of looking like a failure, I was afraid that stopping now would make it harder later, I was afraid of doing this again without my mom here.  I realize I don't have to explain myself to anyone, but I want to.  I started thinking about how moms put these ridiculous pressures on themselves and when they can't reach them its devastating at times.  I started to think about this rush I was in and why?  They aren't even 2 yet!  I think because I did Adda and Ella before they were 2 I decided the twins had to be done before 2 as well.  I started to thinking about the moms I know that would give anything to wipe another butt of the baby they no longer have.  I just wanted to stop and hug the babies with a diaper on and tell them how proud I was and how much I loved them. So I told my mom we are stopping!  She let out a gasp of excitement!  I wanted to be real and bring light to this crazy place we as moms put ourselves in.  I loaded myself down with these must reach goals because it all seemed to line up the right way in my eyes and I was going to get all 4 of mine potty trained by the time they were 2.  Gosh my pride is so gross!

In reality this is not the same as Adda or Ella.  Things were going good and this fever threw us off track and The Lord did some good work in my heart today.  I don't count the last 3 days out.  They were good and I'm always up for a good heart change!  The second I told my mom I wanted to stop I felt like 50lbs were lifted from my shoulders.  Don't carry all that crap Jocelyn!  I can't wait to just let them pee in their diaper tomorrow and cuddle them!!!  Adda asked me what we were doing tomorrow and I said sit, and cuddle, and play, and love on each other.  I'm good with that!  We will revisit it all maybe in July.  I'm going to still put them on the potty every once in a while and ask them about poop.  We are going to work on them telling me more when they feel like going to the potty. This works for now!!!

We are fine, this is fine, get a grip Jocelyn.  You don't have to be a prefect mom!  Isn't this what we tell ourselves all the time??!!!

So we are ending day 3 again with a margarita on the couch after everyone has gone to sleep. We are going to get donuts in the morning and enjoy the day hoping the girls start to feel better.

Oh, and change a few diapers too!